I look around my house and see dirty dishes, papers piled on the kitchen table, floors with crumbs and dirt, bathrooms and kitchen badly in need of a cleaning, piles of laundry in various stages and miscellaneous items in all sorts of places and it upsets me.
I remember growing up and the house was always clean, vacuumed every day, hardly anything out of place, bathrooms and kitchen got cleaned once a week with a wipe down mid week, laundry was done twice a week and finished the same day it was started, homeschooling was accomplished, dinner was on the table. Mom was a good housekeeper.
I talked to Jon last night about it, expressing my frustration with my lack of house keeping ability. He pointed out some "complications". Carter is a busy, exploring, mess making 16 month old BOY. Sydney, our pooch, is quite a messy handful herself - and we've got discipline issues with her. Both Jon and I have auto-immune diseases that complicate matters. We've lost 2 babies this year. We have both sides of the family close, so there is more activity and some of them (grandparents) have needed help. Jon works 2 - 24 hour shifts and is home the rest of the week, both being gone and being home cause their own set of complications. We have an older house that needs lots of work. And the list goes on.
So why, then, do I feel like such a failure? Why do I feel like I have to keep everything in a constant state of perfection no matter what my circumstances are? Some of it is the way I was raised, I'm sure. Dad demanded perfection no matter what and you were in trouble if you didn't - probably part of the reason why my mom was such a good house keeper. Some of it may be pride (no explanation needed on that one!). Some of it is the culture - have it all and do it all. But no matter what the reason, or combination of reasons - I need to stop. Stop striving for the perfect house, perfect family, perfect ability to do things for others. And that's not to say that I shouldn't try. But I shouldn't become discouraged, upset or angry when it doesn't happen. There is a lot on my plate, I tend to forget that.
Another thing that was pointed out to me by both Jon and my mom - enjoy life, enjoy my family, my son. Children are precious and grow fast, you only have one chance to make memories and if you are spending all your time cleaning and stressed, that's all they'll remember. I should know, I grew up that way. There was very little fun or joy, just chores. Mom tried in small ways - I remember watching Little House on the Prairie during breakfast and lunch. Reading "The Youngins", laughing so hard until we cried. Once we got older and Dad retired even that was gone. Hopefully I'll remember (if not I'll just have to come back and read this post) and try to make fun memories with my family.
So with that in mind, I just called my sister to see if she wants to go to the park with Carter and I. We haven't showered or dressed yet, but we can do that later - "It's ok to re-arrange the day", I am reminding myself. Kashia is home NOW and the weather is nice NOW - let's make the memory NOW before the moment passes.